In and Out of Love
by Ryker Strom
Summary: Sebastian does not do relationships not because he likes having relations, but because relationships can hurt people and kill people - when one falls in and out of love.


_**A/N: **My first official try at angst. This is the most labor-intensive one shot I have ever done. I've wanted to write this for a long time and here it is finally, Sebastian's first time and why he was the way he was. WARNING! Please do note that this will have sex between an adult and an underage person (but it's within age of consent for where the act took place). There will also be a minor character death. This is un-betaed but I'm actually quite satisfied with this one. I also managed to squeeze in the SeBlaine at the end so all is well. Of course, if you don't like SeBlaine, you can skip the last part because it can still conclude in the section before that. The title of this fic was based on the song "In & Out of Love" by Armin Van Buren ft Sharon Von Adel. Check it out, awesome song. _I have a Tumblr account where I talk about my SeBlaine WIP. I'd be honored if you can follow me: rykerstrom(.)tumblr(.)com__

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><p>IN AND OUT OF LOVE<p>

Relationship was one of those myths and theories that one often heard about in conversations. It was a phantom companion to the delusional idea of love. So of course it was no wonder that love and relationships often went hand in hand for most people. Yes, it was all a load of bullshit portrayed by media and propagandized by religions.

Not only did Sebastian Smythe not do relationships, he hated relationships.

Yes, he would normally say to others that he did not do relationships, followed by some sarcastic and smart remarks about how sex was always better. The whole spill about no attachments, freedom and what not. That would be the standard, textbook answer. It made him appear impenetrable, callous, and untouchable.

In actuality, Sebastian did not do relationships because he hated relationships with a passion. He would never admit that he even have feelings toward that word but it was the one word that he hated the most with every ounce of his being. He hated it so much that there was a time where the very word would send bile up his throat.

Relationships hurt people.

Relationships kill people.

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><p>Sebastian had always been a precocious child. He preferred the company of older people. While most children his age were out and about playing pranks and causing troubles, Sebastian spent his time reading, playing sports, and simply constantly bettering himself. He prided himself on the fact that he sometimes knew more things than his teachers, and that he could always outwit his peers in any debates.<p>

Being tall and good-looking did not hurt either. People would always think twice before crossing Sebastian. Not that people would want to cross him. In spite of his parents' social standing and influence, Sebastian never tried to use it to his advantage. He believed in holding his own and fighting his own battles. For the most part, Sebastian found his peers to be good people. At least, he had always tried to believe the best in everyone and give everyone a chance. He was cautious, but not to the point of being paranoid. After all, it would be a real shame to miss out on an opportunity for some people study and social interactions.

While there were some annoying and ignorant people out there, in the mind of the fourteen-year-old precocious Sebastian Smythe, people were inherent good and trustworthy for the most part.

Sebastian traveled a lot as a child, and because of it he was extremely good at making friends and adapting to any situations. His parents would always hold extravagant dinner parties for networking purposes. Sebastian enjoyed them, because it allowed him to mingle with people and socialize. Not that he particularly liked every person he came across but Sebastian saw it as an opportunity to sharpen his wits and of course, receive compliments. People paid attention to Sebastian, and it always made Sebastian felt as though he had won the battle of preconceived notions when he could outwit these people in a debate.

Sebastian liked the fact that he could hold his own in the most challenging of all situations. Sebastian believed that he was destined to take the world.

John changed everything.

_John_ was not really his real name, but it was always easier to just use a common everyday name to address him. It just made it a little easier to cope with things after all had been said and done.

Sebastian Smythe met John when he was a few months shy of turning fifteen. It was a rather stereotypical encounter, one that was often used in movies, but it happened that way nonetheless. Sebastian was standing by the pool to get some fresh air after having spent the last half an hour in a particularly heated debate on the effect the media have on today's youth. As usual, Sebastian won the debate with flying colors, earning some degree of respect from the older folks in the group, and also some raised eyebrows as well. He was about go back into the party when he walked right into a young man, knocking over the red wine in his hand and spilling it over both of them..

"I'm sorry about this." Sebastian looked for something to soak up the liquid. "I'll get the butler."

"I was expecting a debate on this." The man had a mild French accent. "I saw you in there just now, very impressive."

It never occurred to Sebastian until much later that this John, was hitting on him. They spent the rest of the night chatting, away from rest of the crowd and learning more about each other. Sebastian was not sure why he lied, but he told John he was seventeen. After all, John said he was twenty-three, and maybe Sebastian wanted to be just as mature too.

Of course, twenty-three was just a number for Sebastian because all he saw was a friendly, attractive young man who really did not look that old. Until Sebastian met John, he always thought that people in their twenties were old, but the way John looked certainly proved him wrong.

John was really handsome. He had never been interested in dating anyone before but Sebastian always thought that was because he was too mature for his peers. Now he knew it was because he had not found the right person, someone with whom he could hold an intelligent conversation while remained to be fun-loving and interesting.

Sebastian's family was the progressive sort. Nobody cared about sexual orientations, political view, or religious views. It all came down to being successful in life and excelling in everything. So of course, his parents were not worried when Sebastian proudly told them that he had a boyfriend. They trusted that Sebastian would be the responsible, mature son that they had raised.

Meeting John would be the highlight of Sebastian's day. John had to work, so they would usually meet at night. Sebastian would meet up with him after school. They would have coffee, hold intellectual discussions. This was so different from all those debates and discussions he held with other adults during family gathering. His time with John was so much more personal. John would always look at Sebastian with his gorgeous brown eyes as Sebastian spoke about his day and his view of the world. And on some nights when John did not have to work late, he would take Sebastian to some of the fanciest restaurants in Paris. Sebastian loved the attention. He loved to be wined and dined. It just made him feel so adult.

John was a real gentleman too, never moving beyond kissing and hand holding. He did not laugh at Sebastian when Sebastian told him he had never had sex. Of course, John did not know Sebastian was only fourteen, and the thought of John respecting his wishes in spite of thinking that Sebastian was much older than he claimed only made Sebastian fall in love with this man just a little more.

His parents had to travel for an important engagement on the day of Sebastian's fifteenth birthday. They apologized profusely and promised that they would make it up to him. Normally Sebastian would be disappointed because his parents had never missed his birthday before. But this year, he did not mind. Because he was going to spend his fifteenth birthday – or as he told John, his eighteenth birthday – with his dear boyfriend

It was one of the most memorable nights in Sebastian's life. If Sebastian had to rate that night, he would say that night was probably the highest point of his relationship with John. John took Sebastian to the most famous 3-Michelin starred restaurant in Paris. He ordered the most expensive and extravagant items on the menu, and then surprised Sebastian with box seats at the Paris Opera House. He lost track of how many glasses of wine and champagne he had that night. By the time Sebastian and John went to the hotel that John had reserved in advance for them, he was more than a little tipsy.

But it was a good sort of tipsy, Sebastian would always argue that. He was sober enough to know what was going on. This was the night. It was important. John loved him and he loved John. Everything was so perfect. So the idea of going all the way with John sounded like the best idea in the world. Sebastian felt so lucky that he found the love of his life when he was fifteen. So what if John was a bit older, it didn't matter. John was the one, Sebastian knew it.

Sebastian never knew the appeal of candles and flowers until that night. It was perfect. The way that John would tenderly kiss Sebastian as he was lowered onto the bed, trailing soft kisses on his bare skin and loving every inch of him. It was like one of those clichéd scenes in movies, where lovers would explore each other's body in the soft candle lights, uttering words of affections and declaring their loves for each other. That was exactly what happened.

John was immensely gentle as he prepared Sebastian. Saying words of encouragement and kissing him oh so lovingly as he stretched Sebastian, making sure that he was ready for what was to come. When that moment came, it hurt. But Sebastian was happy that it hurt, because he wanted nothing more than giving in to this pain as he let John took his virginity, making him whole and turning them into one.

Afterwards, John held him close and told him how much he loved Sebastian, how he wished that this moment would last forever. Sebastian said those words back to John, because he really meant every word of it. Sebastian really loved John. He loved John with every fiber of his being and would trust him with his life.

Things got progressively more sexual between them after that first night. Most of their meetings would consist of sex. Sebastian did not really mind, he knew that John loved him. John showed him so many things and Sebastian never knew there were so many ways one could enjoy sex. The different techniques, positions, toys, options, role-plays, everything. While Sebastian would be lying if he said he love all of them, but he tried to please John because that was what people do when they were in love, right?

A few months later, Sebastian's world shattered.

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><p>It was a Saturday morning, which was unusual. Sebastian never met John in the mornings. They always had their dates in the afternoons and on rare occasions, in the evenings. But John wanted to see him, and who was Sebastian to say no?<p>

Sebastian knew something was wrong as soon as he saw John. John was not his usual charming, put-together self. He looked disheveled, as though he had not slept for days. He sat at the café, looking like a defeated man who had lost all hope. Sebastian feared the worst.

"I can't do this anymore."

Sebastian froze at those words. No, surely John could not mean what he thought he heard.

"I'm sorry, Sebastian." John looked up, his eyes red from crying. "My wife found out about us."

_Wife._ Sebastian thought he was going to be sick. He never knew John was even married. Twenty-three seemed awfully young to be married.

"She … doesn't know it's you. It's not too late." John put his hand over Sebastian's, and for the first time Sebastian saw the ring on John's finger. "I have to win her back. She's going to divorce me and take my son away from me."

_He had a son. Oh, god. He had a son and a wife. A family._ Sebastian felt his world spiraling out of control.

The chair clattered and fell over as Sebastian pulled his hand back and stood up abruptly. There was only one thing for him to do.

He ran.

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><p>Thinking back, Sebastian should have seen the signs.<p>

The warning signs had always been there, but Sebastian just refused to acknowledge any of them. All those times when John said he could not meet Sebastian because of some sort of prior engagements, the last minute cancellations, the phone calls John would have to take when they were together, the white line around John's ring finger.

_The white line around John's ring finger._

Sebastian had never felt more betrayed and absurd in his life. He should have questioned it. He should have seen it coming, but he did not. He refused to see the truth. He was just a fling, a joke, a distraction to John, the one man that he had fallen in love with.

Hindsight, as people called it, was always 20/20.

Sebastian tried his best to move on. He attended classes as per usual, went to family gatherings and events as he always did. He put up a façade and tried to be sociable. Sebastian did everything he could to hide the heartache and the betrayal that were eating at him. Sebastian had finally seen what people were capable of doing. They were capable of lies, hurt, and betrayal. People were always only doing things for themselves. People should never be trusted. People should not be taken seriously.

That was when Sebastian made the decision that he would never be hurt again; that he would never, ever, fall in and out of love.

If John treated him as a joke, then Sebastian would treat the whole world as a joke. He would forego maturity and compassion. This world, did not deserve Sebastian's love. This world, was for his taking. He would use people as he had been used. He would hurt rather than be hurt. He would show everyone that no one hurt Sebastian Smythe, because Sebastian Smythe would always be the one who does the hurting.

Night clubs became a regular thing. It made Sebastian felt in control when he had someone on his knees pleasuring him. He would go out at night and came back early in the morning. Sebastian took pride in sabotaging others' relationships. It made him feel empowered, to know that he had such control over others, and that he had such power to break up what people perceived to be a strong relationship. As far as these ruined relationships were concerned, Sebastian felt it was best that he did these fools a favor to make them realize that it would never last. Classes still happened as usual, and he kept his grades up. It was as though nothing had happened. His parents knew that Sebastian had broken up with his boyfriend, but they had no idea of the changes that had happened to their son. It was all for the best that they never found out, anyhow.

A few weeks later, Sebastian heard the news of John's suicide.

It was another one of those networking events that Sebastian's parents held at their residence. Apparently John's wife came from a high profile family and did not take to the idea of infidelity very well. So she divorced him anyway, taking along his son and all of his earnings. It was a scandal in his parents' circle of friends. No one knew whom John had an affair with, but the fact it was such a high profile divorce made it enough of a gossip topic for most anyway.

Sebastian cried himself to sleep that night. And after this, Sebastian did not believe in roses anymore. After all, roses would die, and same would go for people as well.

One month later, Sebastian left Paris for good.

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><p>Ohio was boring and bigoted. But Sebastian appreciated a change in scenery. He hated to admit it but everything about Paris reminded him of John. Sebastian wanted to get as far away from any semblance of John as possible, and what best than to go to another continent and end up in a shit boring place like Westerville?<p>

The gay population and selection were slim pickings here. But Sebastian always welcomed a challenge. It would all come down to finding to the right gay club and picking up the right men. Sebastian was certain that he would have no trouble finding those if he did enough research. Of course, it also helped that he was going to an all-boys' school where out kids were not treated as disease. There were a few good-looking ones there to choose from; and besides, Sebastian loved the uniforms.

As Sebastian took in the view of Dalton Academy, he felt a sense of relief for the first time in many months. Perhaps, this would be a chance for him to start over.

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><p>Sebastian never expected the issue of "relationship" to rear its ugly head again. But it did, in the form of Blaine Anderson.<p>

It infuriated Sebastian initially, to see someone like Blaine Anderson pining for and crushing on some boy. The idealism, enthusiasm, and naiveté that were Blaine went against everything that Sebastian believed in. These were not characteristics that anyone should have. As far as Sebastian knew, nobody was like that. People were selfish, and people were there to hurt. There was no such thing as kindness and true love.

Sebastian wanted to destroy that illusion. He wanted to show Blaine that there was no relationship or long-lasting love; that people were just out to use him and tear him down; and that just as people came to this world alone, and they would leave this world alone.

The last thing Sebastian expected, was to be proven wrong.

Sebastian was not sure how it happened or when it happened. Perhaps it was that crucial moment when he saw in Blaine, the parts of himself that he thought had died long ago. In Blaine, was the Sebastian that he knew from years ago; the Sebastian before he met John, before his hopes, dreams, and faith in mankind were torn down and thrown away; the Sebastian before his heart was broken. The Sebastian that he could have been. It might be too late for Sebastian, but it was not too late for Blaine; and damn if Sebastian was going to be the one to ruin things for Blaine.

So when Sebastian finally found himself at where he was now, in a relationship and in bed with Blaine Anderson, there was nothing more surreal for him.

Sebastian did not think happiness, love, and relationships were in the cards for him; but he was clearly mistaken because there was a beautiful boy under him, who in spite of all the nervousness, was gazing up at Sebastian with adoring eyes filled with love and trust as Sebastian took care of him and prepared him for the important step they were about to take together. Sebastian leaned down to kiss Blaine softly, relishing the taste of his mouth and the feeling of Blaine's soft skin against his own. Sebastian kept his eyes trained on Blaine's as he entered the boy slowly and carefully, knowing that this was the moment that neither of them would ever forget. There was a strong scent of roses in the room as candles flickered. It was almost as though Sebastian was fifteen again, back in that hotel room in Paris with John. But this was not John, this was Blaine.

Blaine who showed Sebastian that all was not lost, that there was still good in this world; and that Sebastian Smythe would never have to fall out of love again.

(END)


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